Honesty Hour
I've been wanting to write so badly lately, but I've been afraid to. Mainly because what I want to write is something so vulnerable about myself that I'm afraid to just be honest and put it out there. So....wanna know the truth? Okay, here goes.
I'm not okay.
I haven't been for a few weeks now. Every night is a struggle for sleep. Every day is a battle to get off my phone in the morning (which helps me zone out) and get out of bed. I've been striving so hard in life right now to find joy. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad in my life. I'm continuing to grow and walk with The Lord, I have two jobs, and I have amazing friends that I spend my time with. But lately all of those things have just given me a "temporary high." Once I'm out of bed in the morning I feel better, and when I'm in The Word I'm soaking it up. When I'm with friends I'm smiling and laughing and genuinely enjoying my time with them! But take that all away, and I feel like nothing but an empty shell. It's always one extreme or the other with my emotions, I'm either feeling every emotion very strongly or I'm feeling nothing at all. I've even been to the point where I've started to have panic attacks brought on by nothing but my own overthinking. They're not common, but they have happened a few times.
So there it is, my truth right now. Sigh. Being human stinks.
It does help to know what the cause is though. The cause of all this is not traveling with my family. That sounds so cheesy and so childlike, but it's so true. I LOVE my family to pieces, besides Jesus Himself, they are my everything. My mom is literally my best friend, and let me tell you what. It is hard to express to your mom how your day has gone in just one text! Lol!
Remember that one blog I wrote about being a Wanderlust? (If you haven't read it click here!) That wasn't just a trend in my life, that IS my life. My heart longs to travel, and not just travel, but to truly travel with Jesus and view His miraculous creation! The people, the scenery, the cultures! My heart thrives getting to see different parts of our Creators world!
So, that being said. I'm going on the boat trip. After much prayer, some hard decisions and LOTS of conversations with my mom. I have put in my resignation for September 15th. My family returns to town around then to attend a friends wedding, so I can spend some time with them. I will then leave for a missions trip to Lebanon/Syria on September 29th. My return from there will be October 11th, I will spend a few days in town saying my goodbyes and then off I will go to join my family! I'm not sure how long I'll be with them, or where God will call me after that. But, I fully feel that this is the direction He is calling me in right now. It's not just me feeling this way, it's God Himself lining things up for this to happen!
So, I have a problem, a cause, and a solution. But, that doesn't mean my struggle is going away. Just last night I was texting my mom in pain, crying and praying to feel something besides sadness. I'm beyond exhausted with battling this. So, I guess I wrote this for two reasons:
1) To ask for prayer, I'm struggling to be patient with the plan God has laid out for me. I just want to go be with my family to stop the ache, but I need to learn to lean on Him the most right now and not an ideal situation that I long for.
2) To show everyone that even though I tend to blog about positive things generally, I am still a broken human too. I have bad days, bad weeks, bad months. But that's the beauty of it, we all do! And we should all be real and vulnerable together, because this world would feel a lot less lonely if people stepped up and were honest with one another.
I know I have an amazing God, an amazing family, and an amazing support system via friends and church members. I know that this is but a phase in my life right now, but man do I look forward to the next time I feel joy all the way into my soul.
I'm not okay.
I haven't been for a few weeks now. Every night is a struggle for sleep. Every day is a battle to get off my phone in the morning (which helps me zone out) and get out of bed. I've been striving so hard in life right now to find joy. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad in my life. I'm continuing to grow and walk with The Lord, I have two jobs, and I have amazing friends that I spend my time with. But lately all of those things have just given me a "temporary high." Once I'm out of bed in the morning I feel better, and when I'm in The Word I'm soaking it up. When I'm with friends I'm smiling and laughing and genuinely enjoying my time with them! But take that all away, and I feel like nothing but an empty shell. It's always one extreme or the other with my emotions, I'm either feeling every emotion very strongly or I'm feeling nothing at all. I've even been to the point where I've started to have panic attacks brought on by nothing but my own overthinking. They're not common, but they have happened a few times.
So there it is, my truth right now. Sigh. Being human stinks.
It does help to know what the cause is though. The cause of all this is not traveling with my family. That sounds so cheesy and so childlike, but it's so true. I LOVE my family to pieces, besides Jesus Himself, they are my everything. My mom is literally my best friend, and let me tell you what. It is hard to express to your mom how your day has gone in just one text! Lol!
Remember that one blog I wrote about being a Wanderlust? (If you haven't read it click here!) That wasn't just a trend in my life, that IS my life. My heart longs to travel, and not just travel, but to truly travel with Jesus and view His miraculous creation! The people, the scenery, the cultures! My heart thrives getting to see different parts of our Creators world!
So, that being said. I'm going on the boat trip. After much prayer, some hard decisions and LOTS of conversations with my mom. I have put in my resignation for September 15th. My family returns to town around then to attend a friends wedding, so I can spend some time with them. I will then leave for a missions trip to Lebanon/Syria on September 29th. My return from there will be October 11th, I will spend a few days in town saying my goodbyes and then off I will go to join my family! I'm not sure how long I'll be with them, or where God will call me after that. But, I fully feel that this is the direction He is calling me in right now. It's not just me feeling this way, it's God Himself lining things up for this to happen!
So, I have a problem, a cause, and a solution. But, that doesn't mean my struggle is going away. Just last night I was texting my mom in pain, crying and praying to feel something besides sadness. I'm beyond exhausted with battling this. So, I guess I wrote this for two reasons:
1) To ask for prayer, I'm struggling to be patient with the plan God has laid out for me. I just want to go be with my family to stop the ache, but I need to learn to lean on Him the most right now and not an ideal situation that I long for.
2) To show everyone that even though I tend to blog about positive things generally, I am still a broken human too. I have bad days, bad weeks, bad months. But that's the beauty of it, we all do! And we should all be real and vulnerable together, because this world would feel a lot less lonely if people stepped up and were honest with one another.
I know I have an amazing God, an amazing family, and an amazing support system via friends and church members. I know that this is but a phase in my life right now, but man do I look forward to the next time I feel joy all the way into my soul.
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